Self worth.

I've learned a not so easy lesson in life. A lesson about value and self worth, that parents should be so wise to teach their little children early in life. I remember always feeling a 2nd class citizen at my house... where I was the only girl being raised in what we call a "macho" enviroment.

During elementary I would close my self in a nutshell, basically because I was not interested in making any friends probably cause I was afraid or thought I would get hurt. So I grew up with a heart that would never open, but to a few. This inherent feeling of closing down all gates I took it with me throughout all childhood. Hanging with all my strenght to the few people I could trust.

From my schindler list I scrached out a lot of people for I never liked being talked about, good or bad. In high school, I had to get out of the nutshell and did let some people in, but always kept my own little distance. Same thing at College, had great friends and all. But one day I did open my heart for the first time in years. I got stomped, walked over, humilliated, disarmed, trashed, etc, etc.. bla bla bla, sooo many times by this person, who in the end prooved to be not worthy by cleaning his act on my already ragged cloths.

Since then, I decided I was never gonna take BS from no one, ever again. I became this practical, radical person, turning off people out of my life when I felt they where not real.

I know who I am, the things Im capable of. The light and dark corners of my soul, and I have managed to keep the "bad dog" tied. I can't really say it's dead... but I can say I have become through hardships and self inflicted pains... a little bit mature and clean. I know I will never be naive again, I know I won't look again through the same eyes I once did. I know I shouldn't expect much of people or friends and that's actually the ticket. I am ok with that now.
About value., it's a thing I will struggle for a while, but I won't let anyone put me down again, as I did in my ignorance before. And I will learn to cherish people for what they are, but the issue is still the same... Trusting.
I have six billion smiles, but a few have been erased. I miss those smiles.